W09: Managing Conflict

We can’t always see what others see. My husband has made it very clear that he can’t hear me when I yell. He walks away or shuts me out. I have always tried to be mindful of my volume when I talk to him. Even when I’m not yelling, he says that I’m yelling. Throughout the years he really isn’t talking about my volume, he’s talking about the way I start a conversation. I have learned that I need to work on softening my start-up. I have tried to work on this so that the four horsemen don’t show up. If I have a harsh start-up in a conversation, it will always lead to stonewalling by the end. Fixing the harsh start-up is something that is solvable in our marriage. It’s been going on a long time and I do think we have the tools to work through it.

Today while the kids were at school, I walked into the kitchen to see my husband doing the dishes. The dishes are pretty much the one household chore that I do. The kids unload, and I load. He had the right side of the sink full of water and soap and was washing them all by hand. I really wanted to comment but knowing exactly what he would say I just watched. The hand washing dishes is a compromise I have with him if I want his help. This might seem silly or minor, but it bothers me to see certain items not run through the wash. On the other hand, he grew up in a home without a dishwasher. As I walked into the kitchen, he turns to me and says, “don’t you think the dishwasher is just taking up space?”. We have had this conversation before. I considered his thoughts on the matter and let him share his reasons why the dishwasher isn’t needed. I made sure he knew I was trying to be open minded on the matter, but then shared my thoughts and in the end that machine isn’t going anywhere.

Although it was such a small conversation about something that might seem petty, the conversation could have gone in the wrong direction. We both know that the machine isn’t going anywhere, and he possibly just wanted to share his thoughts. It is a perpetual argument that shows up from time to time, But, we did not let anger or pride into the conversation and in the end we both walked away satisfied.